There's More Than One Way to Say It
by Night Searcher
Summary: With more than one way to say "I love you" follow Steve and Bucky's relationship from the beginning, to the end of the line? All the little nuances and catastrophic events that occur in the cinematic universe, and implied variations based on the two's perfect chemistry. Mild swearing, sexual content, and spoilers from recent MCU movies involving Steve and Bucky. Please Enjoy :)
1. I'm Worried About You

**A/N: based on a writing prompt I found online. Please enjoy.**

* * *

 _ **Brooklyn, 1940's**_

"I'm worried about you." Bucky's feet hit the pavement with an easy thud.

"Why? Not like this hasn't happened before." Steve tried his best to keep up with his much taller friends pace, but felt his chest tightening and his legs have a harder time moving after being beaten up.

"Well for one thing, it's almost winter time so you're body's not gonna be doing so well thanks to the cold, and secondly, you're picking more and more fights than you can physically handle. Not that you can in the first place, ya punk." Noticing Steve struggling, Bucky ever so slightly slowed down his pace; enough to let his best friend catch up but subtle enough that he wouldn't catch shit from Steve for doing so. He knew how much it bothered him to be treated like he was made of glass, but Steve would be the first to throw aside his health if anyone made mention of it. Steve shrugged off Bucky's remark knowing full well that if he tried to refute what Buck had just said, he'd get an even bigger earful than his mom ever would have given. Sarah died four years before the war started. Sarah was Steve's only family, if you didn't consider Bucky to be some kind of family. His dad died long before he was born, and poor Sarah was forced to raise him all on her own. Bucky always praised her for doing such an amazing job with Steve, but then she'd go ahead and thank him for keeping and eye on him when she couldn't. Bucky had personally taken it upon himself to look after Steve in every way he could; but for some reason that was becoming a lot harder for Bucky, at least something was anyway.

Recently, Bucky had noticed a few joints here and there in Brooklyn where certain, _crowds_ , would hang out. Curious, Bucky popped in one day and from that moment on, his world had changed in more ways than one. Bucky always knew how he felt for Steve wasn't "natural", as most folk would say. He'd probably get beaten, or worse, in anyone found out. So, Bucky kept it a secret, especially from Steve; the kid had enough problems as is trying to get by with all of his medical issues, paying rent, and not being taken seriously by almost anyone. In order to preserve his friendship with Steve, Bucky decided the day he knew that he would bury those feelings deep down, but manage to tell Steve in other ways. There was always more than one way to say it.

"Kid, how many times has this been, huh?" Bucky pulled the spare key from it's hiding place near Steve's door, "You gotta learn to remember to take your damn key with you in the morning. What happens if one winter evening you come home and you don't got your key, huh? I'll tell, ya. I'm gonna come by the next morning only to find you frozen outside your door."

"Alright, Buck! Geez. You're not my ma." Steve pushed passed him to enter his shoe box sized apartment.

"No. If I was your ma I'd have you by the ear giving you the worst earful of your life." Bucky began rummaging through the cabinet to find the tea after he'd put a pot on the stove set to boil. The air was getting cold fast and he knew Steve needed some heat in him quick. Bucky swore one day he'd be shaking so bad he'd fall flat out of his own boots.

While Steve was taking off his shoes, Bucky felt a sudden urge to hug his best friend. Though he did his best to suppress his feelings for the smaller man, sometimes he couldn't help it and they began to slip through the cracks. Bucky was pretty sure the only reason they got away with it was because he'd use the excuse that he was tired and that Steve was the perfect size for leaning on, and Steve being so used to Bucky's touchiness, let it slide. He was also pretty sure that Steve enjoyed the extra heat, especially since it was getting a lot cooler a lot faster.

"So you gonna tell me why?" Bucky's jaw bobbed up and down off the top of Steve's skull, his arms cascaded over the smaller man's shoulders and his knee caps fit perfectly under the bend beneath Steve's rear. They were almost like the perfect jigsaw puzzle pieces.

"Tell you what?"

"Why you've been picking so many fights lately." Bucky's voice left no room for question. He wasn't happy at all with the fact that Steve was being so careless with himself.

"You wouldn't get it." Steve actually knocked Bucky off his back.

"I never will if you don't explain it to me!" Bucky was getting frustrate now. He knew better than anyone how Steve felt about himself but tried in vain to convince him that picking fights where he's likely to get himself killed is no use of his life at all.

"I just want to prove to myself that I can! That I'm not worthless! That I can at least stand up for myself!" Steve had his fists clenched and his back still turned to Bucky. His was still shivering from the cold, and the sound of the tea pot boiling over in the background didn't phase either of them. "You'll never understand, Buck! You've never been weak or afraid of anything! You'll never know how it feels to be completely pathetic and useless!" Bucky couldn't stand to hear the utter pain in the back of Steve's voice. It was breaking him up inside.

"Steve, look at me dammit!" Bucky forcefully turned Steve around to only confirm what he'd feared: Steve was crying. His eyes were pink and his cheeks were red from flush. His nose was still a bit runny and his lips were the slightest shade of purple from being outside. There was a fresh bruise on the left side of his jaw and a small cut on his forehead. Bucky always hated Steve crying just as much as Steve hated to cry in front of Bucky, even though he never managed to stop himself from doing so in front of his friend.

"I do know how it feels to be afraid. I'm scared shitless every time I know you walk out that door never knowing if you're coming back on your own two feet or passed out somewhere in a dark, wet alley. I'll never know how you feel exactly, but that doesn't mean I won't try. You gotta talk to me, kid. You can't leave it bottled up inside or else you're gonna explode one of these days. You just gotta talk to me, Stevie." All bets were off when Bucky called him Stevie. It was as if it were a signal for Steve to let himself go completely and be allowed to endure his weakest moment in the safe and nonjudgmental comfort of his best friend in the whole wide world.

"I'm worried about you, Stevie. I always am. It don't mean I won't kick your ass when I have to pick you up from those dark, wet alleys but it don't mean it won't hurt me any less. Just know I ain't leaving you anytime soon," Steve cried quietly into Bucky' shoulder and the two of them crumpled into a ball of mush in the middle of the parlor. Bucky had one hand on Steve's head, and the other on his back rubbing circles across the fabric clad skin. They sat there in warmth and Steve sniffling until Bucky broke then embrace only to get themselves cups of piping hot tea. He came back to find Steve asleep with his head flopped over and his back against the couch. He smiled a crooked smile. Bucky sat down right beside Steve, gently lead his head over to Bucky's left shoulder and wrapped a blanket around the both of them.

After Bucky was filled with his tea, he nestled his head on top of Steve's and drifted off into sleep as well. Their arms managed to wrap around each other somehow and the two boys forgot about everything else and simply napped together on the floor of Steve's shoe box sized apartment in complete bliss, side by side.


	2. Should I Stay The Night

_**Brooklyn, 1940's**_

"Do you need me to spend the night?" Bucky was incredibly worried. Steve had caught a really bad cold a few days ago and it had now escalated into a dangerous fever. Steve's body shook violently in bed but his forehead was dripping with sweat as he burned up.

"N-no. Just go home, I'll be," Steve couldn't finish his sentence before coughing and hacking violently, he had something wrong with his throat too. Bucky felt completely helpless in these kinds of situations. He'd given him his medicine exactly when the doctor told him to but he had to let the fever run its course. But it wasn't the only reason Bucky was left feeling helpless.

The world was heating up with anger and fear as the war began getting into full swing. The need for soldiers was becoming more of an issue and Bucky saw a fair deal of guys being drafted and shipped off. Steve had been classified as a 4F and rejected after the two of then stopped by the recruiting center after training at Goldie's. The look on his face said it all, Steve was as disappointed as a person could be, no, crushed was more like it. Bucky had made it though, he figured his draft notice would come soon. His biggest fear wasn't going over seas though, it was the idea of leaving Steve the punk, who went and tried to enlist twice, even used a fake identity for some of them. Bucky figured that was the cause of all the fights, but he knew even if Steve wasn't facing the business end of a rifle, he still faced dangers here in the state; one major issue being his own health.

Bucky had seen Steve bad before, he recalled several cases of scarlet fever when they were growing up, but this was the worst Steve had been in a while. It killed Bucky to to have to watch Steve lie there and writhe in agony.

"Steve, I'm staying over until you're better. I can't in good conscious leave you alone like this."

Steve tried to sit up and protest, "Bucky, what about wo-" the sentence was left unfinished again due to Steve's hacking. Bucky put a gentle hand on his left shoulder to try and steady his miserable friend.

"I'll go make ya some tea, ok?" Bucky spoke softly once Steve's breathing returned to normal and he'd laid him back down.

The apartment was so cold, Bucky tried to cover his hands with his sleeves as he walked the short distance from Steve's room to the kitchen where the pot had just started to boil. As he grabbed some mugs, Bucky noticed some snow falling down. It was February. Left over snow was still piled up in the streets here and there. Bucky had always enjoyed winter. The way the moonlight would gleam off a fresh powder. The way the air made your nose tingle and getting to burrow your face into your scarf, though he'd never let anyone know that. Not even the girls he dated.

Bucky had tried his best to abandon his feelings for Steve by dating women, to no avail. Even though he'd lost his virginity long ago on a double date he'd set up with two really sweet girls for him and Steve, all Bucky could think about while they did it was Steve. He even caught himself fantasizing that it was Steve he was doing it with when he closed his eyes. Bucky damn near almost shouted his best friend's name when he finally came. Nothing he did ever worked though. He feel even harder for Steve when he'd see the almost pouty look on his face when he'd ask about how the date went. And when he could manage to drag Steve along on a date, Bucky's heart fluttered a bit when he watched his face light up when he talked about art and stuff. Bucky still never even let himself say the actual words.

His train of thought was broken when he heard Steve call his name before breaking into another coughing fit, this time it sounded really bad. Bucky rushed from the kitchen straight to Steve's bedside. Steve looked scared so Bucky did what he could. He pulled his shivering friend up into a sitting position, wrapped his arms around his back along with a blanket and whispered just above Steve's ear in a soothing voice.

"Calm down, Stevie. I'm right here for you. Try to take deep breaths, in and out. That's it, pal. Breath with me. In and out." He rubbed small circles on Steve's shoulder blades as his body relaxed and calmed down. The coughs subsided and his breathing finally evened out. "I'm gonna go grab those cups of tea then I'll come sit with you okay? I'll open your curtains a bit and we can watch the snow fall, how's that sound?" Bucky kept his voice low. It reverberated in a hypnotic and dreamy way that sent a small shiver down Steve's spine. Not wanting to risk coughing and agitating his throat again, he simply nodded into Bucky's shoulder.

It only took Bucky a moment to grab the cups since he speed walked as fast as he could without spilling the full cups. Knowing Steve was probably cold, Bucky scooted his friend forward a bit, sat at the head of the bed, moved Steve back between his legs so that his back could rest on Bucky's chest, and wrapped two blankets over the both of them to top it off. Their hands were pleasantly warm from the tea and Steve's body shivered less and less from the wonderful heat shared from Bucky's body. The radio was playing softly in the parlor, the snow was drifting lazily down from the sky. After their tea was finished, Bucky just talked to Steve about whatever happened to pop into his head and Steve listened contently. They eventually fell asleep sharing each other's warmth.

Bucky woke up to something tickling his nose. He opened his eye to the light peaking through the curtain and Steve curled up next to his with his head perfectly tucked under his chin and the whorl of his hair brushing his nose. Bucky's arms were wrapped around Steve's body which was perfectly pressed into his. They fit like two jigsaw pieces. Something inside Bucky flickered. They'd slept together many times before for warmth but never quite this close. It made Bucky happy and sad. Happy for obvious reasons, but sad because it only reminded him that Steve couldn't know. Bucky slipped a hand out from under the covers and placed it on Steve's forehead. _Oh thank God!_ He thought, the fever had gone down and his body wasn't nearly as cold. He peered at the clock and after seeing he still had an hour and a half before he needed to go to work, Bucky decided to close his eyes and enjoy this for as long as he possibly could and placed his lips against the crown of Steve's head. He'd been so grateful, on a number of levels, that he'd stayed the night.


	3. Jerk

_**Brooklyn, 1940's**_

"Don't forget I'm only a letter away there, pal. Make sure to write me, punk." Bucky threw his arm around Steve as they walked to the Stark Expo, a small ache formed in his heart. Bucky had managed to get a date for himself and Steve as a last hora before he was shipped out the following morning. He didn't trust himself to be alone with Steve the night before he left for war. He didn't deny his feelings anymore, it was far too painful to even try to do; but he still never said anything to Steve. Bucky knew that if he told Steve now, it would be cowardly and cheap, above all things, and if Bucky was going to go away, he wouldn't do that to Steve. He meant too much.

"What? You're not speaking to me now?" Bucky's heart got a little sad at the imposing weight of Steve's silence.

"No, it's just that..." Steve wanted to finish, but Bucky knew that tone of voice.

"You wanted to be going with me."

"Let's not talk about it." Steve bowed his head, clearly uncomfortable.

"No," He stopped dead in his tracks and placed both hands firmly on Steve's shoulders. "I just pulled you out of an alley way from yet another fight. Steve, you've lied on enlistment forms countless times, that's a crime. You're technically a felon for that. I'm leaving tomorrow. I don't want to not talk about it. I don't want to not talk about anything. Talk to me. God forbid I didn't come back and the last words we shared together were, 'let's not talk.' I ain't leaving like that, Stevie." Bucky's grip grew firmer with every word, till he realized he might actually leave bruises. "I know this is everything you've ever wanted, Pal. I almost wish you were coming with me so you wouldn't be standing here looking so pathetic, but I can't. I could never wish you were going to war, healthy or not. I'd never want that for you. You shouldn't either, but I can't change that. So, with this is mind, all I ask of you is to be here with me. Honestly. Don't mope around and pretend to be happy, don't put on a brave face because it means you're not all there. Just," Bucky stood over his friend seeing the admiration in his eyes as the smaller man looked up at him with those blue eyes, "Be with me right now."

"Alright."

 _Huh, he has a little green in his eyes_. It was the longest he'd gotten to simply look into Steve's eyes. Bucky now had a new favorite memory of Steve: despite everything one might know about him, only Bucky would ever have been close enough to Steve to notice that one insignificant flaw, and find it utterly beautiful. Those eyes burned into his memory. The little flecks of green shining amongst the bright blue. The fight still in his eyes. Bucky smiled as they walked to the expo.

"Hey Bucky!" The brunette yelled across some ways. He didn't tell Steve about the girls intentionally. He chuckled a bit when Steve's face flipped in the opposite direction of what his expression previously was.

"What did you tell her about me?"

"Only the good stuff, Pal." _Well, not all the good stuff. Only I get to know everything_. In a little while, it would be all Bucky would have.

* * *

Steve was struggling to keep it together for Bucky. The poor girl that Bucky had probably convinced that he was some Adonis was bored out of her mind being his date while Bucky's was thrilled. She held her tongue, but certainly wasn't discrete about being less than thrilled in her situation. Having a difficult time enjoying himself, Steve slipped away quietly and wondered around. He found an enlistment station. A big poster of Uncle Sam pointed right at Steve. Being unable to stop himself, he walked over.

Steve stood in front of the station, being too short for the poster where it cast your face onto the soldier's body. _I can't stop trying_. Bucky found him relatively quickly, guess Stark's demonstration ended early. That was always Bucky's thing anyway, sure it was cool but Steve was much more interested in art and history.

"You're gonna do it, aren't ya?"

"Bucky, there are guys out there laying down their lives. I got no right to do anything less."

They fought a bit, but it ended with them hugging and saying their goodbyes. Steve watched his best friend head off to his biggest dream ever. But that wasn't what made Steve's heart ache as he watched Bucky walk away. He whispered the only words he could ever say that were close enough to what he really meant, "You're a jerk... Be safe."


	4. His Name

**_Hydra Base near Italian borders, 1940's_**

The guards beat them senseless. Other times, they simply raised their batons enjoying the soldiers crowded in the prisons cowering back in fear. Bucky had been captured by the enemy and was now being held in a base far behind the fronts. He fought till he couldn't stand. A lot of his men were killed in action. Others were taken to, wherever this place was. Everyone wore a weird patch of a red octopus and saluted with their arms raised in how Bucky had seen footage of Hitler's men. The room was cold, they had all been stripped of everything but their shirts, pants, and socks for some. They all huddled for warmth though everyone was so cold there was little to give.

One night, two guards with clipboards that Bucky had never seen before came and began inspecting the prisoners. They kept mumbling words in German, which he could only assume was German since he didn't know exactly where they were, but he was sure that their control was extensive. They began removing guys from the cells. They came upon Bucky's group. The regular guards pulled forward guys the other two pointed, they checked their teeth, toes, and bodies over all. Several guys were pulled. Everyone grew sullen, and cast their eyes down; they all knew once you were chosen, you never came back.

"Wait, no! I've got a wife and a baby at home! You can't do this!" Bucky's eyes shot upward. It was one of the guys from his company. He was fighting the two guards who were trying to remove him.

"Let him go!" Bucky got up, clenched his fists and knocked one of the guards out cold. Other guards came running over to try and detain Bucky. Lucky for him, being a boxing champ helped out in these kinds of situations. He got through three till one of them took a shot to the back of his skull with a baton. Bucky's vision began to blur.

"Nehmen Sie ihn stattdessen." _Take him instead_. One of the guards with the clipboards spoke. The other two that Bucky hadn't beaten proceeded to drag him away as everything went black.

* * *

Bucky's body was numb with pain to the point where he almost didn't feel anything. They'd put him through every torture method known to man. Electric shock, water boarding, breaking fingers, sleep deprivation, dehydration, food deprivation, and probably others that he couldn't remember because he blacked out so much.

Sometimes the guards would taunt him with mock salutes and the few English words they knew.

" _God bless America_." They would say and spit in his face. Bucky was usually detained with his arms behind his back in thick chains, shackles around his feet, and a length of chain connected to his cuffs to move him. He grew more and more concerned. They'd left him alone for the last couple of days. The doctors would walk by with clipboards with a picture of him on them, he knew they were talking about him. He'd picked up a few words in German: _amerikanisch_ , _soldat_ , and _schwein_ to name a few.

After the few days without being moved, everyone's attitudes suddenly changed. They seemed nervous, the scurried around as if something big was coming. And just as Bucky suspected, a group of heavily armed soldiers came marching in formation, surrounding a figure. The parted and revealed a tall man, dressed in all black, with the same red skull and tentacles patch as the others wore. Bucky figured this guy was important to this group somehow, and that they weren't Nazi's like he'd originally thought.

"So this is the famous, Sergeant James Barnes. I've heard a great deal about you, sir. You may call me Schmidt. I am the leader of this great organization," he paused and walked towards Bucky and knelt till his face was right in front of Bucky's, " _Hydra._ " everyone around stood up straight and raised their arms in that Hitler-esk salute and shouted, "Hail, Hydra!" Bucky's stomach dropped. He suddenly became much more fearful than he ever had in the previous days.

"You are going to become an invaluable member of this soon to be magnificent empire."

"Like hell I am. You're bat shit crazy if you think I'd ever join you." Bucky spat in Schmidt's face which earned him a punch across the face. Blood pooled in his mouth.

Schmidt began to walk away as his guards grabbed him and began dragging him to a room he'd never been in before, but heard ungodly screams coming from. He was strapped down to a plank. Bucky could barely think anymore. Over an immeasurable amount of time, they'd stuck him with needle after needle with liquids of varying colors, all more painful than the last. Bucky was barely conscious anymore. His mind drifted and he simply muttered his name and identification whenever they tried to ask him questions.

* * *

They eventually left him for the night. Bucky didn't feel anything anymore. The only thing probably keeping him alive was a name and memories that flitted in an out of his head. _Steve_. Steve sitting by the window drawing. Steve blushing when Bucky asked to see what he was drawing. Steve was almost all Bucky had thought about the entire time he was captured. He missed walking down the street with him. He missed the gleam in his eyes. Bucky missed Steve.

* * *

There was a commotion going on outside, but Bucky was too out of it to focus on anything. All he could do was slur out his name and some numbers. His body hurt all over; it also felt different.

Suddenly, someone was walking towards him. Bucky kept muttering figuring it was just another one of the scientists or guards there for him.

"It's me." Said a voice far more familiar than his own.

Bucky opened his eyes as best he could. "Steve?" Bucky figured he was probably hallucinating or dying, either was he was glad he was seeing Steve.

"Come on." The buckles were actually being removed. Bucky felt actual heat radiating off of his friend. He felt the skin of his hands against his body. This wasn't a dream. This was real. Steve had come for him. Bucky was relieved, happy, pissed off, but mostly relieved. Steve had beaten every odd at finding him. He came for him. He found him. Bucky kept saying what he'd been saying in his heart for so long, but could only manage to say, "Steve."


	5. A Warm Embrace

**a/n: strong swearing**

* * *

 _ **American Base in Italy, 1940's**_

Bucky slept for nearly two days straight. Steve didn't bother him as he slept once they'd returned to base, it wasn't like he could any way since Colonel Phillips was giving him the biggest earful and headache of the century. Officer Carter managed to quell the Colonel's anger but risked being court marshaled for pulling another stunt like that ever again.

The two began walking back to their quarters in silence, grateful for the peace after two huge lectures. Steve had never been comfortable around women, but Carter was somehow different. He noticed her smiling out of the corner.

"Was that supposed to be fun?" Steve mused when a chuckle slipped from her lips.

"No, I was just thinking." She looked up at Steve, yet another act besides to talking to a girl was having one actually look him in the eye, "You kept that radio with you just so you could show me." She laughed out loud this time. Steve laughed quietly at himself too.

"Yeah, that was kind of ridiculous now that I think about it." He glanced up. The rain had completely cleared, and the clouds parted. Steve stopped to marvel at the heavens. He'd never seen this many stars before.

"Beautiful, aren't they?" Steve broke his gaze and peered down at the British woman. Her chestnut hair was worked into a perfect do. Her lips were that classic red. Her uniform prim and precise with no trace of a wrinkle anywhere. Every thing about her was wonderful. "I'm really glad I met you, Officer Carter."

"Oh, please." She rolled her eyes in a sarcastic manner and grinned, "Call me Peggy, _Captain_." Now that made Steve laugh.

"I guess I am, huh?" Something inside Steve twinged. He hand't gone to basic training like the other boys here. Hell, Steve was probably the only one dumb enough to actually want to come and fight so badly despite the incredible risk. He stood still, "Peggy."

"What is is, Steve?" Her eyes shone in the starlight. God she was a doll, though Steve would never say it out loud, but she didn't _do_ _it_ for him. Sure she was smart, beautiful, gung-ho, and an over all amazing person, but Steve didn't have feelings for her. Sure he was beginning to care about her, but not in the way he thought he would. There was something missing, but he didn't want to offend her by getting lost in his own head, "Do I deserve to be a captain? Do I deserve to be Captain America?"

"Steve. Look at me. There is no one on this planet who is more deserving than you are. You willingly underwent an extremely questionable scientific experiment. You just saved hundreds of men against every odd there ever was! You wanted more than anything to serve your country. Steve, there's no one like you. There's no one I would be prouder to call Captain than you. Don't ever forget that it was you that Erskine chose; he chose a man he believed would give true meaning to the title Captain America. And I believe he made the right choice." Steve smiled humbly. He still had a hard time believing this was him now and not some scrawny kid getting beat up all the time in back allies. He could make a difference now. A real difference. He thanked Peggy for everything and asked sheepishly if he could hug her, only if it wasn't too forward.

"Yes of course, Steve." She wrapped him in a big bear hug, and bid him goodnight.

Steve entered the tent to see Bucky groggily rubbing his eyes and groaning as he sat up. The lamp beside him cast his shadow against the canvas. He skin had bruises everywhere, and cuts to match. There were slashes, a few gouges, and he had wraps around some fingers and fresh stitches on his neck. The wind moaned softly outside, sending a shiver through Steve's body. Bucky saw him out of the corner of his eye and turned to greet his friend. Those eyes were still the same. The same old mischievous gleam, but no less genuine. Steve didn't realize how much he'd missed those eyes. The very ones that watched over him when he was sick. The very ones that were filled with worry after finding him in a fight. The very ones that gave a reassuring look after his mom had died. Bucky's eyes. Steve's heart fluttered in the way that could only mean one thing, he finally heard his heart say the words he could never hear before now.

"Steve? You okay?" Bucky's voice broke Steve's thoughts.

"Wha- oh yeah. I'm fine." The faintest blush grew across his cheeks, and Steve was thankful for the limited light.

"Good, because I'm going to kill you!" Bucky shot up from the bed, and pummeled Steve into his own. "Steven Grant Rogers, you dumb, stupid, idiotic, punk! What the hell were you thinking! I'll tell you what! Fucking nothing! You never think, Steve! You could've been killed! You almost were a hundred times! How the fuck did you even get here, I told you to stay home!" Bucky straddled Steve's waist and was hitting his chest with tight fists. "You could've died and I wouldn't have been able to help you! You know you can't do those kinds of things Steve!"

"Buck, stop!" He grabbed his wrists ad held on relatively easily, thanks to his new strength. "Calm down!"

"Oh, ya, here's another thing! I talked to some of the guys, you let yourself be a lab rat! You could've gotten yourself killed right then and there! You just couldn't help yourself, could ya, you fucking punk! You fucking idiot!" Something broke in Bucky's voice, his anger was betrayed by tears forming in his eyes. "I couldn't help you had you been in trouble." He ducked his head so Steve couldn't see but it couldn't hide the sobs that began escaping from his lips that now trembled. Steve's heart melted. His best friend who'd always been the toughest guy he knew was crying because he was scared for him. There was no questioning what he felt now.

"Bucky," He let go of his best friend's wrists and pulled him close, "I'm not going anywhere. I'm not gonna break so easily anymore, okay? Ya, the serum hurt in the moment, but it didn't hurt nearly as bad as when I heard you were missing." He rubbed small circles on Bucky's back. "Look at me." Steve moved his right hand from Bucky's back to his cheek, and looked him dead in the eye. They were red and puffy. Steve felt bad for thinking so, but Bucky looked kind of cute with his lips all pouty like that. "I'm not going anywhere anymore without you. You hear me? I'm not letting you go like last time. You're stuck with me, jerk, whether you like it or not."

Bucky formed a small smile. "Guess I got no other choice, _Captain_." Steve pulled his best friend in tightly. The wind outside still moaned and chilled the tend. The lamp's glow cast shadows on the canvas from their bodies. Bucky was practically in Steve's lap, both crying softly into the other's shoulder. Steve pressed his lips into Bucky's skin next to the collar of his shirt. He wanted to kiss him more, but for now, the warm embrace spoke more than anything at the moment. The warm embrace of his beloved friend, his beloved Bucky.


	6. Everything

**American Base in Italy, 1940's**

It took the captured men a couple of days to recuperate or to be sent home for discharge. Bucky rested for the majority of it too, when he wasn't mad at Steve. Mad wasn't quite the word, Steve couldn't quiet put his finger on it, but whatever it was, Bucky was it. He avoided eye contact with him, he barely talked to Steve unless he absolutely had to. It was starting to make him worry, it made him think he'd done something wrong.

After the fifth day of avoidance, Steve had it up to his wits end. After dinner, he followed Bucky back to their tent in silence. Back in the relative safety of their canvas housing, Steve spoke quietly."Why have you been avoiding me, Buck?"

"Wha-What? I don't know what you're talking about, Punk." Bucky kept his back turned at Steve.

"Bucky, you can't even look me in the eye." Something about all of this was tearing Steve apart. "Was... was it something I did?" Steve's voice wavered, "Cause if it was something I did or said all you have to do is tell me. And if it was me, I never, ever meant to hurt you in any way. If it's still about me putting myself in danger I'm sorry, okay? But I know you would've done the same thing for me." Tears pooled in his eyes. "Buck, you're my best friend... you're one of my only friends in this whole damn world," they now spilled down his cheeks making him hiccup as he tried talking and crying, "and, I don't know what I would do in this world without you, Bucky."

Steve looked up through his blurry vision and saw Bucky's face. It was serious, almost expressionless. He turned away. It broke Steve's heart even more. He couldn't contain his sobs and placed his hand over his face to try and cover himself. His knees were starting to feel the weight of his heart pulling him down. Even though he felt it for a while now, he couldn't take it anymore. His best friend hated him. He couldn't even look at him. Steve kept his eyes fixed on Bucky's shoulders. The were hunched up slightly, as if he was getting ready to be hit. "Bucky, please. I'm sorry. I just... you mean a lot to me..." Bucky's head turned ever so slightly, "You mean everything to me, James."

Steve rarely ever used Bucky's first name. It was a serious thing between them. He'd only ever used it a handful of times in both of their lives. Steve always loved Bucky's full name. It was strong, just like him. Yet it had a certain quality that made it unique, just like him. Steve could barely stand at this point. With every realization, every moment crashing down on him, his body finally gave out. His knees hit the ground and he let go of all the air he'd been holding in his chest. He knelt there on the floor, crying, he couldn't look up anymore. All that Bucky said was, "Steve."

At first, Steve thought he was hearing things, but quieted just a bit at the mere sound of his best friend's name.

Again, "Steve." This time, it followed the shuffling of feet. Bucky turned around and saw Steve crumpled on the floor. His eyes were blood shot, snot dribbling from his nose, his lips quivering, that wonderful light in his eyes, fleeting. And Bucky had caused this. Bucky was speeding across the way, closing the distance, before he knew it, Bucky was kneeling right in front of Steve. He just kept saying it, Steve's words echoing in his mind " _You mean everything_." He said one of the most incredible things and all he could manage was "Steve."

Steve closed his eyes, he couldn't look his friend in the eye. Not after that. It was clear to him now that it couldn't happen. His thoughts were racing through his mind like a freight train until, a warm hand touched his face. Steve finally opened his eyes. Bucky's face was inches away. The light returned to his eyes and Bucky was relieved.

It was as if a magnetic field pulled them closer. Bucky wiped away all the tears that were beginning to dry on Steve's cheeks. He looked the crying man dead in the eye. Though he was stronger, bigger, and so filled with life, more than Bucky had ever seen him before, he still managed to look so fragile. Bucky fell even harder, harder than he could've ever imagined. No words were needed beyond what Steve had already said. He'd said everything there needed to be said with one word. _Everything_.

Bucky's lips touched Steve's in a chaste kiss. So soft, gentle, and timid. Just like the old Steve.

"Bucky." Steve spoke almost as if he was out of breath. Bucky knew he couldn't wait any longer or else he'd hate himself more than he did.

"Stevie." He lunged forward so that Steve's back hit the ground. Their lips crashed together. Everything that was never said before the moments before was poured into that kiss. Passion. Tenderness. Concern. Frustration. Purity. Genuineness. It all came together. Hands touched everything that was available to them. Lips moved as far as they dared before being pulled back in a frenzied panic out of fear that the other might not remember the warmth. Bucky pulled Steve as close as he possibly could. His size difference was a bit awkward at first, but Bucky quickly adapted. He didn't have to worry about Steve breaking out with an asthma attack every few minutes, but now, now he could handle Steve the way he'd always wanted to. He pressed, caressed, kisses, nibbled, and did as he pleased. And he savored every moment. There was the taste of cigarettes, dirt, the crappy dinners they were served, but it didn't matter because the only taste that mattered was each other.

They reluctantly pulled apart to only catch their breath. The two soldiers simply holding, gently touching, and looking deep into each other's eyes.

"Stevie... you're my everything too."


	7. Let Me

_**London: A Night at the Pub, 1940's**_

Once Bucky fully recovered, the Army relocated most of the men and higher ranking officers to England. For the first time in the last couple of days Bucky began taking a real good look at his friend. He was so much bigger now, his muscles were so well pronounced. The were sculpted, but they didn't seem, gaudy. He recalled Steve telling him about the other guy they were going to choose. Man, he would've been like some kind bear. Steve seemed to fit the title perfectly. He remembered what that doctor, Eriksine, had said. "Everything inside is amplified. What was bad, becomes worse. What is good, becomes greater." Or something like that, but the exact words didn't matter because whatever they were, remained true. He couldn't get the image of Schmidt's red face, if you could even call it that, out of his head. What he really couldn't get over was how good Steve looked.

Steve was a doll in Bucky's mind before. He adored the way he'd need to stand on his toes to reach things on higher shelves. He had to hide his smile every time he'd scrunch his nose when he was deeply invested in a drawing. Butterflies would form in his stomach when Steve tried to sweet talk him into doing or getting something for him. It took an measurable amount of will power to keep his hands off before, now, Bucky was about to lose his damn mind.

Now, Steve could make Bucky's toes curl just by looking at him. His smile, god don't even get started on that damn smile. There was nothing but happiness now. No trying to cover up some deep internal struggle. He was leading the life he'd always wanted. He was living the life he deserved. But it didn't help when he'd go gallivanting around with guns blazing every where. He still acted like a damn kid. But that didn't matter. Bucky would follow that dumb punk from Brooklyn anywhere and everywhere. Besides being scared shitless half the time, or having his heart strings pulled the other half, Bucky was just happy they were spending time together again.

They'd been separated for months after Bucky was drafted; it was probably the longest time they had ever been separated from one another. Now, Bucky was doing everything he could to make up for lost time. Tonight, it was going to a pub with some of the boys from the Hydra base he'd met and who'd helped with getting everyone out.

"Steve, I swear to god, if I hear another story of one of your hair brained schemes from basic training I will strangle you where you sit." Bucky downed his third pint of beer. The boys were all starting to feel a little, warm and fuzzy inside. The other American bested Bucky with two pints on him, but what really surprised him was that Steve, who was renowned for being the biggest light weight in history, hadn't even turned rosy in the cheeks.

"So, you mean to tell me, that this guy, right here, used to be a toothpick?" The fellow American began joshing Steve around, and a sheepish smile crept across the blonde's face.

"What was in the past remains there, the future looks far brighter with a man such as Monsieur Rogers here with us and far into the unforeseeable future!" The Frenchman raised his pint and the boys all cheered "Here, here!" The night ended with Agent Carter saying that there were some complaints about them being too loud and rowdy. She called them something like, howling commandos. It sounded cool, in Bucky's mind, but then again, he was pretty drunk and feeling pretty damn good about everything at the moment.

Steve had Bucky slung around his right shoulder and tried his best to carry his drunk and happily dazed friend. Their flat the army had rented out for them was about three blocks away, and although Steve loved his friend dearly, hauling him around with little to no assistance was no easy feat.

The alcohol's affects were in full swing once they reached the flat, "Sstevieee, why aren't yoou happy?"

"What're you talking about, Buck?" Steve did his best to pull his friend through the door frame. Once he did and closed the door, he proceeded to respond with, "I am happy ya jerk." Steve playfully punched Bucky's shoulder after plopping him down on the sofa in the parlor. The flat was a bit roomier and nicer than his place back in Brooklyn; and while it was comforting having a big part of home with him, Bucky, something didn't quite feel right. Maybe he still wasn't accustomed to his body yet, or maybe it was being so far from home in such a drastic manner, but Steve couldn't help but feel off. And it all started after that kiss.

Bucky watched his friend from the sofa as Steve shuffled around the kitchen through blurry eyes. "You didn't ansswer my quesstion, Sstevie. Why aren'tchya happy like mee right now?" Bucky sprawled out as much as he could with a goof grin. The beer gave him a warm feeling inside.

"Doctor Eriksine said there would be some alterations. Something about altered body chemistry and other stuff but basically, I can't get drunk."

"Aaaw, thasss no fun."

"Sure, it's all well and fine now, but I think you'll be singing a different tune when you wake up with a hangover tomorrow, bud." Bucky could see Steve smile so sweetly through his blurry vision. Bucky wanted to kiss those lips ever since that night. _To hell with it_.

"You say something, Buck?" Steve turned around just as Bucky was stammering to his feet and shuffling over to Steve. "Is there something you need? Water? Milk? Tea?"

"Stevie." Despite the powerful draw of the alcohol swirling through his veins, Bucky forced himself to say Steve's name perfectly. Such a man deserved to have his name be spoken with the respect it deserved. "I need you, Stevie." Bucky did his best to stand up straight.

"You have me, Buck." Steve was starting to feel something in the pit of his stomach: butterflies.

"No." Bucky stepped closer. He could still smell the smoke of the cigars from the pub, the sweet smell of his sweat from the heat of the pub. "I... want you." He could feel Steve's breath on his lips. "Stevie..."

"B-bucky, you're drunk. It wouldn't be... you're not..." Bucky stepped even closer, causing Steve to stop speaking. He positioned himself just so that his right knee was between Steve's legs, and his hands steadied his body by placing them on either side of Steve's waist. Their chest grazed one another, Steve did his best to stifle a moan.

"Stevie... just shut up for a second and let me kiss you." And with that, their lips crashed together.


	8. Admittance

_**London: A Night at the Pub pt. 2, 1940's**_

Steve was timid at first, Bucky thought it was adorable. He shook slightly when he brought his hands to Steve's hips and pushed him firmly against the wall. Bucky could feel the V of his hip bones, the raw and powerfully muscles, the seemingly flawless and smooth beneath the irksome clothing. Bucky released Steve's lips which quivered and allowed a breathy gasp to escape. The alcohol was fading fast, and Bucky was seeing Stevie clearer than he ever had. He'd dreamt about so many times before, but never thought in a million years it would actually be happening. The taste of Steve still lingered on Bucky's when he wetted his lips with his tongue. Steve continued to breathe heavily, and Bucky feared he might have an asthma attack, then quickly reminded himself he didn't need to worry anymore. This could happen.

"Bucky..." His eyes darted from Steve's mouth to his eyes. They were watery.

"Oh god. Stevie... I..." Bucky released Steve's body and nearly doubled backwards. Holy shit what had he done! He just forced himself on Steve, his best and most cherished friend in the whole world! The very same person who risked his life just to find him. Maybe there was more alcohol in him than he'd realized, but Bucky's demeanor changed. It wasn't light hearted, it was turning dark, and it seemed to pull him down. Steve was flush, his eyes had unshed tears in them and he was panting and seemingly frozen and fear. His eyes were fixed on Bucky, as if they were staring directly at what Bucky feared most: something he found disgusting and couldn't realize he'd once trusted. Bucky couldn't look at him anymore, not after what he'd just done. "Stevie, I'm... I just... I'm sorry!" Bucky turned away and tried to run and hide, but couldn't manage. He stumbled and fell to his knees and couldn't hold back the tears.

"Bucky, yo-"

"NO! Steve. I took advantage of you! I promised myself a long time ago I wouldn't do anything that would jeopardize our friendship, and this isn't even the first time. That time in the tent and now this!" Bucky had curled himself up and tried his best not to sob while he was talking. His heart hurt more than it ever had when he was trying to keep his feelings a secret. It hurt more than anything he'd been through before. It hurt more than being tortured. Bucky could feel himself imploding. He wanted nothing more than to disappear. He didn't deserve something as wonderful as Steve, let alone his love.

 _I love you_.

Bucky had spent so long trying to forget that word that even saying it in his mind silenced his sobbing. The tears fell more violently but they hurt far more now that Bucky even let himself hear the word he'd tried to hide so long from Steve, and himself apparently.

"I do too." Bucky froze, he said it out loud. He heard soft footsteps padding towards him. He prepared himself for the worst when a warm hand slid across his back and another pressed itself to Bucky's cheek. "Bucky, I love you too."

Steve looked him dead in the eye. "You're lying. You couldn't possib-"

"Bucky, you know me too well to think I'm lying now." Both of Steve's hands were placed gently on Bucky's cheeks and jawline. They were so warm. "And I know you well enough to see that you were holding something back. I was too dumb to realize it until you kissed me in the tent that time. I'd loved you all this time too. I'm sorry too, about just now." Steve softly made Bucky look up at him and before him, Steve bore the sweetest smile Bucky had ever seen. "I was nervous that it was just the alcohol talking, but I knew deep down that wasn't true. You're too good of a man, and you hold your liquor too well to do something like that and not have it mean anything. We haven't let ourselves say what we needed to say," Bucky was so happy, his tears were full of joy as he grasped Steve's hands which still lovingly touched his face, "Can I say it again?"

Bucky smiled and marveled at his friend and the love of his life. They both smiled. "I love you, Stevie. I've loved you for so long. I just want you to be happy, and I want to be the one who makes you happy. I love you! I love you so much you stupid, punk!" He fell forward and held his love in his arms for the first time. The dark weight seemed to lift and Bucky could breathe again.

"I love you too, ya jerk." They sat on the floor just shedding happy tears and holding one another as tight as humanly possible. Bucky pressed himself into the crux of Steve's neck and held his hands firmly against his shoulder blades. He loved this feeling. He loved Steve.

"Stevie, I love you... C-can I kiss you again?" Steve just smiled softly and closed his eyes after his love's blushing request. Bucky leaned forward and pressed his lips against Steve's. This was a kiss of love, not relief like that time in the tent, not desperation brought on by alcohol, this was a kiss between two people in love. It was unlike anything either of them had felt before. It was a connection. It was a spark. It was the spark the needed for so long, yet denied themselves for far too long. But not anymore.

Bucky touched Steve's neck and shoulders a their lips continues their ministrations. Since Bucky was a bit more experienced, Steve let him lead. Their rhythm was slow and steady, just like their heartbeats. Everything was sinking into place. They kissed a while longer on the hard wood floor of the parlor. When it got late, the made their way to the Bucky's bedroom. Suddenly, Bucky kissed Steve again in the middle of the hallway, only feet and moments after their first session.

"Sorry, I couldn't help myself."

Steve kissed him back as he tried to put out another excuse. "I don't care. I could kiss you forever."

It ended up with Steve's back against the wall again and Bucky kneeling between Steve's hips and his knees propped up on Bucky's hips leaving his feet dangling just above the floor. They held each other and continued to kiss as if it were the first time. Steve ran his fingers through Bucky's hair and hummed happily when he gentle racked his nails on his scalp. Bucky gently massaged Steve's thighs earning his soft groans. Soft breathes and moans echoed through the empty flat. When they finally managed to stop long enough to stand and make it to the door, Bucky scooped Steve up in his hands again, had him straddle his torso and kissed him continuously as he carried his love trying to reach the bed with his eyes closed. The both fell down with soft laughter. Bucky lay there on top of Steve's chest and happily stole all the heat from Steve's body, just as Steve did the same.

They touched, caressed, and confessed their love over and over again. They continued to kiss with the same spark igniting in their hearts until the early hours of the morning and fell asleep in each others arms.

* * *

 **a/n: This was honestly my favorite chapter to write in this story so far! Let me know what you think and hope you enjoyed :)**


	9. Nicknames & Midnight Passion

**_A/N: be warned, this chapter is gonna get a lot steamier than the previous ones and a little longer for your enjoyment ;) swearing and explicit content._**

* * *

 **Howling Commando Days: Somewhere in the mountains of Europe 1942**

The boys were settling down after a long mission. They'd been ambushed by a Hydra team on their way to the next secret base. Though they won the battle, the war was far from being won. The whole team was finishing up their food around the fire then retiring to their tents. Bucky and Steve were the first to leave the circle. The other guys all knew, or at least had a sense that they were something of an item.

Back in the comfort and quiet of their tent, Bucky flopped down onto his bed. He could hear the rest of the guys yelling out goodnights and saw the light of the fire dim slowly. The mission was a thriller for sure. No one was hurt, thank god, but he could see Steve was taking it a bit too personally this time. Since he was he leader of their company, Steve took it upon himself to see to every detail of the mission so when they found out they were fed some outdated information, Steve was now silently punishing himself for not being able to predict the future.

"Stevie, come on. No one got hurt. Dum Dum's gonna get a hell of a story out of that that scrap when it scars over." Steve just sat on his bed, hunched over and rubbed his temple as he examined more maps of the terrain they still had to cover before making it to the next secret Hydra base. "Stevie."

"Wha? Sorry Buck, did you say something?" Steve snapped out of his daze and looked at his partner.

"Nothing I haven't told you a hundred times before, pal." There were purple bags forming under his eyes. More than once Bucky caught him huddled next to a lamp studying maps, strategies and files on the enemy late, late at night. While the now super soldier couldn't get sick, or drunk, as many of the boys tragically learned and lost a bet in, he didn't look well. "Stevie, c'mere."

"But Buck, I have to-" Steve began to protest.

"No. Stevie," Bucky shifted the mood, "Come here." Steve finally understood what Bucky was subtlety hinting at. He began walking over sheepishly. Bucky had _that_ look in his eyes. Once he made it over, Bucky placed his hands on his partners hips and made Steve straddle his waist and pressed their chests close together.

Since they confessed to one another, the two love birds hand't made it much farther than intimate lip locking sessions and a few suggestive touching since something always seemed to get in the way. There was urgent military matters to attend to, the guys wanted to go out, if they were stationed in a city, they were under attack or moving out, or both of them were just too damned tired to carry on and would fall asleep in each others arms. Like all those previous times, Bucky made the first move. He would kiss Steve until he finally started to let loose and enjoy himself, and Bucky relished in it. When Steve got hot under the collar, he'd get a lot handsier and would even go so far as to star talking naughtily. Tonight was off to a really good pace.

Bucky began to kiss Steve more feverishly, sucking his bottom lip earning his a sweet, suppressed little moan from Steve. He traced the muscles of Steve's back with one hand, fondled his ass with the other, and loved to make him wiggle in excitement since it turned out his back was very sensitive. His left shoulder blade was especially fun to play with. Bucky would lightly run his fingertips over the skin, squeeze his cheeks as he'd gentle suck and kiss Steve's Adam's apple. The stimulation made drove his partner wild to where Bucky hit a small bundle of nerves with his fingers and lightly bite down on Steve's neck at just the right time, he actually made Steve whimper. Bucky stopped everything and Steve slapped his hand over his mouth.

Bucky sucked in a breath between his teeth as he bite his lip and marveled at his lover. Steve was blushing hard now and found it difficult to make eye contact. "God, Stevie, do you have any idea what I wanna do to ya now?" When Steve looked at his through his dark blonde eye lashed with his beautiful baby blues, Bucky's restraint was gone. He pushed Steve down onto the bed and began kissing him, this time like he really meant it. The air around the tent was silent and the only sounds the two could hear were the night and the little gasps for air when their lips grew far enough apart. Bucky's hands were everywhere now, as were Steve's. And just when he didn't think he could get any more excited, Bucky really felt it in his groin when he heard the little pleas Steve was making as he massaged his chest.

"B-bucky... please... R-really touch me." Buck ripped off Steve's shirt as well as his own, paused only for a second to marvel at the pure god beneath him and dove back down. He left little pink marks on Steve's collarbone and his nipple were hard and perky when he was done liking them like fucking candy; all the while, Steve was moaning and mewling for more and racking his nails across Bucky's skin sending small shivers across his body.

"Mm hey now, Baby Doll. Where's all that composure and patience gone?" Steve blushed hard at the nickname. Bucky stopped when he was doing and brought his lips right next to Steve's ear and spoke low, "You like that, Baby Doll?" All Steve could do was nod and blush even more as he bucked his hips when Bucky's hands found their way to Steve's groin. "Mm, my sweetheart really wants it, doesn't he? Does he want me to continue?" Bucky asked as he ground his body onto Steve's earning a gasp and a feeling of Steve's hard cock against his leg. He smiled like a devil, kissed his lover, then began sucking and licking his was down again.

He unbuckled his army issued belt and pulled his pants down so Steve was laying there completely naked. They were both panting now, adrenaline pumped through Bucky's veins making his heart pound. They'd never gotten this far before, and he sure as hell wasn't turning back now. Bucky firmly gripped Steve's aching cock and began pumping it slowly causing Steve to bite his lip. Bucky only stopped to rid himself of his own pants and held their two lengths in on hand. The friction between them was incredible and hot. Both of them were leaking and moaning uncontrollably, whilst trying not to be too loud considering their friends were all around them.

A familiar fire began to build up inside Bucky, but he didn't want just another hand job. "Stevie." They looked at each other right in the eye. Steve's cheeks and ears were pink and his lips were swollen from kissing. He looked like a dream. "Baby, I wanna do this right...C-can I take you?" He ducked his head slightly afraid Steve would reject him.

"Please, Bucky... I want you so bad." Bucky released them both and pulled Steve into a warm embrace. "I love you, Sweetheart."

"I love you, Baby."

Bucky was nervous as hell now. He'd asked a couple of his acquaintances at the underground bars how men had sex but it didn't make him feel anymore confident in his ability to make Steve feel good. He was nervous he'd hurt him, since they told him you have to prepare your partner. What if he messed up? What if he hurt Steve? _Oh shit, I can't do this_. Steve's hand pressed on his cheek snapped Bucky out of his nightmare. His eyes said all they needed to. _God, I love this man_. Bucky made his way between Steve's legs and licked his lips. He gingerly licked and prodded the tight ring of muscle just to start out, and make sure Steve was okay, then he wet a finger and slid it in slowly. Steve grimaced and Bucky almost called the whole thing off, but Steve urged him forward.

Bucky was three fingers in now and Steve was clearly feeling it more. Inside him was warm, and the muscles molded around each finger perfectly. His friend told him once you got three in, you were okay to try and do it for real. "Stevie, you tell me if it hurts at all, you hear me? Don't tough it out because it if does I'm doing something wrong. I want this to be special."

"It already is, Sweetheart. And I know it will be." Steve smiled sweetly. Bucky pressed in.

It was so much hotter now that it was his cock inside. Bucky thought he was going to melt or something, but if felt so incredible. "Fuck, Stevie!" He rasped out feeling Steve ass squeeze around him. Bucky watched his lover's face carefully for any signs of distress but only saw a slightly confused, then blissed out expression. Bucky pressed further until he was buried deep inside Steve's ass. "Baby, can I move? I don't think I can hold out for long like this."

"Yes, just go slow." Was all Steve could say with an erotic and breathy voice. Bucky slowly pulled out, nearly cumming right then and there on account of Steve squeezing him the entire way, then pushed back in quicker. He progressively picked up the pace and watched Steve enjoy himself. His eyes were shut tight, his mouth open gasping and moaning as Bucky's cock soon began pounding into him. Bucky held the back of Steve's knees to get better leverage and more power in every thrust as he picked up the pace. Every second felt like heaven though the two began to pick up a sweat. Steve's hair was a mess and Bucky was loosing his mind.

"Aah~ Yeah! Oh, Bucky! Yes! Right there! AH!" Steve began gripping Bucky's shoulders after he'd adjusted himself and began entering on a new angle. Steve was seeing stars as Bucky hit the sweet spot every time he thrust inward. Bucky held Steve's face on either side and began kissing him fiercely to his rhythm. "Christ, Baby Doll. You're s-so fucking tight!" Bucky wasn't going to last much longer. Steve's cock rubbed his stomach and Bucky as he continued to pound into him adding even more stimulation. Bucky had braced himself over Steve and his head hung low, unable to hold it up due to the immense pleasure he felt.

"Bucky! Ah! I go-gonna c-cum!" Bucky tucked his forearms under Steve's arms and pulled down on his shoulders with his hands. Their foreheads were pressed together.

"I am too. Ah~ Baby Doll, you feel so good." Bucky could barely speak as he used every last bit of his strength to pick up the speed and force his climax to time with Steve's. Steve's legs were pressed against Bucky's chest and he was nearly folded in half. Bucky pressed them as close as he could while maintaining his angle.

It wasn't long until the heal coiled up in both of their bellies unleashed. Bucky's cock felt hotter than ever before now that his seed was filling up Steve's ass. Both of their chests were covered in Steve's. The two stayed there a minute, panting, and riding out the wave of their orgasms. They kissed some more and cleaned one another up. They touched gentle and Bucky carried Steve over to his bed where they laid down together. While Steve was probably too big to fit under Bucky's chin anymore, he curled up tightly anyway as Bucky matched the front of his body with the back curve of Steve's. They fell asleep holding hands content to just be with each other in anyway they could.


	10. Always

The plays were getting tougher as they neared Hydra's central nervous system. Bucky didn't like how careless Steve was with his safety most of the time. They'd gone to bed a bit hot headed after arguments not unlike the ones they had back home after Steve got himself into a fight he had no means of finishing. Now it was even trickier since Steve more than enough means to finish the job, but even then he sometimes didn't know when to quit.

And more times than not, Bucky wasn't even there to stop Steve since he was their best shot. Bucky hated those plans. Being a sniper made Buck feel like he was playing God; placed out of harms way, but not far enough that he couldn't be the source of harm. It was his job to pick off the strays, keep as many from overwhelming Steve. He hated not being there next to Steve through all of this. They'd been on different playing fields for their entire lives and now they could finally see eye to eye; well, he had him by an inch or two now but that's besides the point.

They were returning from one of those hard missions. The enemy had been extremely tough this time. No one in under their command had been Burt but more than a few of the other troops had seen better days. Bucky felt like he's swallowed a golf ball or something. The guilt was eating him alive, but at the same time he was seething. Steve had disobeyed a direct order from Colonel Phillips to not engage till they confirmed the target sighting. Being the enormous and irrational punk he was went barreling in guns blazing, punching and super soldiering his way through, out of the safety of Bucky's scope, and engaged the target on his own. Thanks to that, the target, Schmidt's lead scientist Zola had gotten away. Now Steve would be hearing more from just Phillips tonight.

* * *

"Please, Buck, I've heard all of this before from the Colonel. I'm tired." His head practically lay between his knees.

"No, Steve. I'm tired too but you need to hear this from _me_." Steve picked up his head and looked Bucky dead in the eye, "All our lives, I have watched you run into fights thinking no one was on your side, and then having to watch you struggle to put yourself back together all on your own. I never wanted to stop you from fighting for what you believe in, I just wanted you to acknowledge you didn't have to hurt yourself in order to do that. Now... my god, everything is so different. You're practically a god. You can do things that were once only left to imagination. All those generals, and the public see you as this, figure head of heroism, American strength, and pride. But you wanna know what I see? I still see that kid from Brooklyn fighting for what he believes in. That dumb stupid kid who puts the well being of other ahead of his own." Bucky knelt down and held Steve's hands, "I just... That time Zola was experimenting on me, it was you I'd think about. Walking home with you when we should've been wearing more than our shirts. Watching you draw next to the window on hot summer days. Making you laugh and hoping, praying... begging to hear it one last time,

Because, it wasn't the fear of dying on that table that scared me. It was the fear of never being able see you again, knowing that I loved you in secret for as long as I did. And it makes me so frustrated and angry that I have you here, in arms reach for the first time in my life... but now I watch you run off into battle because it's more than what you believe in, it's your job. It's our job."

Both of them had tears in their eyes, Bucky was fighting to keep his voice steady, "It's part of my job to keep you safe, and when you run into the fire and I can't see you... it scared me." The first tear fell from Bucky's watery eyes. He couldn't take it. Steve had ran into that fire fight without so much as looking back. He placed his head on Steve's knees and began grabbing fistfuls of Steve's shirt and proceeded to ball his eyes out.

Steve stared down at Bucky becoming undone. It was then Steve realized this wasn't the first time Bucky had cried for him. He was witnessing all the times Bucky had cried for him by himself so Steve wouldn't see. It was more than he could bear. Steve fell to the floor and collected Bucky into his arms with silent tears rolling down his cheeks now as well and tried his best to comfort his sobbing boyfriend.

"Baby, sweetheart, look at me." Steve placed his hands on both sides of Bucky's cheeks and wiped away the tears with his thumbs. "No matter how stupid I am," that made Bucky smile, "I know you'll always come to my rescue."

"And you'll always pull me out of the dark."

* * *

The teams was being called to order again the following week once the guy's injured had healed. They were going to make another run for Zola, and this time would be their last. Schmidt was nearing the end of his plan, he needed to be stopped. They were going to attack and take him on the train heading to the next Hydra location. It would be their big break or their big fall.


	11. Sweetheart, Come Back Please

**The Bombed out Bar in London, 1943**

Steve walked through the most recently blitzed section of London and somehow managed to find the bar he and Bucky had laughed in not a few nights before. He slowly sifted his way through the door and debris, ignoring the groaning of the beams struggling to hold their weight. His eyes stung from the smoke and his lungs burned from the ash. None of that mattered though. Nothing mattered. As his feet stumbled amongst bits of building rubble and objects so blackened they were unrecognizable. A bottle and glass that were miraculously left in tact caught Steve's eye.

He found a table and chair that wouldn't fall to dust under his weight. He sat and he drank. And he drank. And drank. Then came the tears. Steve didn't think he had any left in him, yet there they fell. His vision blurred. Steve kept throwing back the clear liquid until his throat felt like it was being burned and his voice was raw from sobbing.

The images were burned behind his eyes. They tormented his every waking moment, and haunted his dreams. His mind sent him back to the scene as if he was right there, left to suffer alone. Agonizingly sober yet ceaselessly taking in mouthful after mouthful of the liquid fire.

* * *

The snow stung his eyes as he hung from the torn open metal of the train. The sound of Bucky's scream echoed through the cavern walls piercing Steve's heart more painfully than any bullet. He was alone. Utterly alone.

When they returned to camp, everyone grew quiet when Steve walked by. Not even Peggy's words could reach him. He was... somewhere else. Steve wandered over to his and Bucky's tent. Nothing but silence. The wind still whipped the canvas walls, like usual. The beds were made, like usual. His body ached from the hits he had taken, like usual. But nothing about this return was usual. Bucky wasn't making old man jokes. He wasn't flopping down on his bed and letting out a content sigh. Bucky wasn't there. Bucky was dead. Steve wished he was the one dead. He wished for his death over Bucky's faster than a heartbeat. No, it would kill Bucky if he lived without Steve. He wished he'd jumped after his love. Bucky was the reason Steve was alive. And not because he was his sniper guard, because Bucky was Steve's best friend. He was there every time when Steve got seriously ill. He was there when Steve's mom died. He was there through it all. They'd just gotten each other back, and had each other in love.

* * *

The rest of it until this moment was a blur. Steve didn't care that he didn't remember, or couldn't. Nothing mattered. Bucky was gone, and nothing could fix that. What was left after this? Why did he have to live on? Why him? Why couldn't he have gone after him? Why? WHY!...

He sat in that bar for what seemed like eternity, the only sound was the splintering wood, Steve's sobs, and his thoughts ringing in his head.

 _What's left for me now, Bucky?... Bucky? Please, God, if you're really there let him answer me. Please, what do I do? Sweetheart, come back. Please._

The only response he would get was more silence.

* * *

It had been several weeks since Peggy had convinced him to keep going after that night in London, though no one knew how much Steve was hurting inside. He never told her about the loaded pistol in his pocket and a note he had left back at the barracks. But Steve suspected that she'd already found it, and that was why she found so fast. He never told anyone, not even Peggy about him and Bucky. He never told anyone how there was nothing left inside him. Whatever Erskine saw in him was gone now. Steve changed after Bucky fell.

He never laughed anymore, he could barely even muster a fake smile for pictures and war movies anymore. He couldn't draw anymore. Something he loved to do even when he was down on his luck, something that never failed to make him forget his worries even for a second. Before he gave it up for good, they always ended up as Bucky; But no matter how hard he'd try he could never get them just right. His smile wouldn't crook like that. The curve of his hips were more pronounced. His hair didn't fall like that. Then drawings of the cavern would come across the pages. Eventually, they were all scrawled over in dark and illegible scribbles, as well as tears. So he stopped. Steve didn't have anything anymore. Accept maybe Peggy. She was his rock. Sometimes he'd go to see her during the night when he couldn't sleep, just to talk and try to keep his mind off things. He'd write to her and make radio calls when he was out on a mission with the Commandos. Rumors began floating about the two of them; sure Steve loved Peggy, but it wasn't like that. She was that friend who you might as well have known your whole life. Peggy could read Steve like a book, and she didn't even have to tease open the cover. She helped him. She was there for him. Peggy was the only person he had left, and he vowed to protect her in anyway that he could. But it would never be enough. Nothing would ever be enough for Steve.

It didn't matter how many bullets he took, how many bad guys he knocked back, nothing would ever amount to the sacrifice Bucky made. Nothing.

* * *

 **A/N: Hey guys, I'm really sorry for the lack of posting. I started school and it's been a little crazy. I will post as much and as often as I can, I promise and I hope you still enjoy the story**


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